11 Habits to Help Improve and Optimize Your Sleep

If sleep came in a capsule form we’d all be taking the maximum dose - it’s literally a miracle in terms of how many regenerative and life-enhancing benefits there are. When dealing with mental health challenges or recovering from drug and/or alcohol abuse, the importance of sleep is even more critical.

Getting a good night’s sleep consistently helps us not only to “recharge” and feel more energized throughout the day, but also plays a critical role in:

• regulating mood and processing emotional information

• how well we tolerate and respond to stress

• maintaining a healthy body weight

• immune function

• fertility and reproductive health

• our brain’s ability to “clean” itself (yes, this is a thing)

• overall mental health and cognitive functioning

In an article entitled Sleep and Mental Health from Harvard’s Mental Health Letter, they state the following: “…neuroimaging and neurochemistry studies suggest that a good night's sleep helps foster both mental and emotional resilience, while chronic sleep deprivation sets the stage for negative thinking and emotional vulnerability.

While “chronic sleep deprivation” could venture into the extremes of insomnia or not sleeping for days on end, even consistently getting less than our requirements (which for most people falls within 7.5-9 hours) can have these same effects.

And in the modern world, so many of us struggle with our sleep.

The Root of Our Sleep Issues

Contrary to what most of us think, a good night’s sleep doesn’t start at bedtime, but rather the moment we wake up in the morning.

In other words: our whole day factors into how we sleep at night.

As someone who struggled with sleep for most of my life it took me a long time to understand this, but once I did my ability to fall and stay sleep drastically improved.

When we “zoom out” on our sleep troubles, what we’ll see is that they often stem from our modern-day sedentary, overly caffeinated, stressed out, stuck indoors, glued-to-a-screen lifestyle.

… this way of living just isn’t conducive to good sleep.

While it may not be possible to change these things (at least not right away), there are are ways to mitigate them and get ourselves some quality shut eye.

So in this article I’m going to highlight a few simple ways in which our decisions throughout the day impact not only our ability to fall and stay asleep, but also to get the regenerative sleep that optimizes our health, mood, and ability to bring our best to whatever it is that we’re doing.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but rather a highlighting of10 habits that are somewhat “low hanging fruit” and can help you to take control of your sleep.

1. getting sunlight in your eyes/on your skin first thing upon waking

Our circadian rhythm (the internal biological clock) is largely governed by light. Exposing the eyes to sunlight first thing in the morning (direct, not through a window) helps to regulate our inner clock and plays a role in the timing of melatonin (the “sleep” hormone) being produced at night.

Just this simple act of spending 3-5 minutes looking toward (not directly at) the morning sunlight can help to improve sleep. As an added bonus, this practice can help to lower cortisol and adrenaline (the “stress” hormones) that play a necessary role in helping us to wake up, but can be detrimental if not “turned down.” This can result in a noticeable decrease in stress throughout the day.

2. Be mindful of caffeine intake and timing

One of the most empowering things to know about caffeine is that it has a 6-8 hour half life (which is how long it takes for 50% to clear from your system).

This means that if you have a large cup of coffee around 5pm… half of that caffeine is still active in your system at 11pm (or maybe even 1am depending on your level of sensitivity). Even if you’re less sensitive to caffeine and are able to fall asleep, this can still negatively impact your ability to sleep deeply.

What may be more obvious is that it’s worth being mindful of how much caffeine you are consuming throughout the day. Most people can tolerate (and potentially benefit from) a few cups of coffee/caffeinated beverages. But too much can dramatically impact sleep.

A worthwhile practice is to consume caffeine only with or after a meal, and to cut it off by 2-3pm (at the latest) to allow it time to exit your system prior to going to bed.

** For various reasons some people may be so sensitive to caffeine that even consumption first thing in the morning can keep them up at night. This may be worth considering if you regularly experience sleep problems.

3. Hydrate properly in the morning and throughout the day

Drinking a glass of water with a pinch of sea salt (the minerals in sea salt aid in hydration) first thing can help to lower stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline (just like the sunlight), and rehydrate the body and brain.

Hydration also plays a key role in our ability to think clearly and feel energized, so it’s important to consume enough (quality) liquids throughout the day. Foods like fruits and vegetables (whether whole or in the form of juice) can also help to stay hydrated.

According to the Sleep Foundation: “going to bed even mildly dehydrated can disrupt your sleep.”

… the trick here, though, is to hydrate properly throughout the day and not try to cram in liquids in the evening (which can result in waking up excessively to use the bathroom).

** Balance is key here. Overhydrating can also be detrimental. Contrary to popular belief, clear urine and constantly having to pee are typically signs that the body is taking in too much liquid and losing valuable minerals. Listen to your body and don’t over-consume if you’re not actually thirsty. Taking small sips of water or other liquids throughout the day is generally a better practice than drinking larger amounts at once.

4. Keep blood sugar balanced

Blood sugar dysregulation has far-reaching negative effects on our body and mind. Keeping blood sugar balanced throughout the day can help to prevent waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back asleep (which is often the result of a stress response).

Some of the general (long-term) signs of dysregulated blood sugar include:

• Being irritable

• Trouble concentrating

• Trouble maintaining a healthy body weight

• Craving junk food

• Fatigue

• Anxiety

• Poor sleep

Two of the main things that disrupt our blood sugar are not eating frequently enough and not properly balancing the meals/snacks that we eat.

For people in early recovery and/or struggling with their mental health (from anxiety, to depression, to ADHD, to mood swings), blood sugar issues are very common.

A good rule of thumb is to avoid going longer than 2.5-4 hours without eating and to always have protein, carbohydrates, and fat (the best ratios will vary individually) together with each meal or snack to balance each other out.

You’d be surprised how much this one habit can change the way you feel throughout the day (both mentally and physically) and how well you sleep at night.

A few of the more immediate signs of low blood sugar to watch out for are:

• lightheadedness

• increased heart rate

• irritability, nervousness, worry, and anxiety

• feeling dizzy and weak

• shakiness

• feeling like you need to eat (you probably do)

Making sure to eat when noticing these symptoms isn’t just about “turning them off,” but also avoiding an excess of the stress hormones that are released when we get to this point. Eating regularly will not only help to prevent feeling this way throughout the day, but also keep stress hormones lower which can improve our ability to fall and stay asleep.

5. Get in enough quality movement throughout the day

Being sedentary has many negative consequences on our mental and physical health. As human beings, we are designed to get adequate movement throughout the day. Contrary to (another) popular belief, going to the gym for an hour or two of intense exercise isn’t the only way to get our movement in.

… we really need to move throughout the day.

Two effective ways to do this is by walking (if you have a dog, they’d probably love to come along) and incorporating short bouts of movement throughout the day.

This could mean doing something like five or ten:

• air squats

• pushups

• lunges

• jumping jacks

• high knees

• arm circles

These things can be worked in whenever you get up to use the bathroom or take a break from work-related tasks. This not only helps to get sufficient movement in, but also breaks up all the potentially harmful sitting that we do.

6. Keep your conscience clear

For those of us who trend toward a “racing mind” when we try to sleep at night (and often throughout the day), there’s a high likelihood that anything we’ve put off, ignored, or done “wrong” throughout the day will creep up.

To avoid this, we can practice (perfection is not required) the following to the best of our ability:

1. Doing the right thing. The more we conduct ourselves with honesty and integrity in all that we do, the clearer (and more at peace) our minds will be. Anytime there is internal conflict about something it’s important to listen. This goes far beyond just sleeping better at night.

2. Eat the frog. If there is something you need to do, do it. Obviously this is easier said than done, but leaving things go that need our attention will likely result in stress during the day and a racing mind at night.

3. Fill your mind with positivity. In the midst of what can be a very negative world, we have a choice to regularly take in positive information and ideas. Find a philosophical, spiritual, or religious teacher/school of thought that you resonate with and feed yourself daily. This kind of thing is no different than consuming food regularly for energy.

7. Be Mindful of screens at night

Our relationship with light is more complex than most of us will ever understand.

For most of our existence, the light we were exposed to was either in the form of sun/moon light, or fire (candles included) especially in the evening. Whereas the sunset and firelight at night has frequencies more on the red and orange spectrum (which promote relaxation), most light bulbs and screens are high in blue light (which mimics the midday sun). This signals to our body that it’s still time to be awake, can mess with our hormones (including the precious “sleep hormone” melatonin), and interferes with our ability to fall and stay sleep.

To counteract this, it’s a good idea to turn on “night shift”/night mode on your cell phone and computer. This will actually take most of the blue light out.

There is also an app for laptops/computers called f.lux that will adjust screen colors throughout the day to mimic those of the sun during specific times (and, therefore, helping to keep your circadian rhythm on track).

Ideally we actually turn all screens off an hour or two before bed… but that’s not always feasible in the modern world. Using apps to block out blue light is a good middle ground.

8. Have an evening routine

Developing a solid evening routine that allows your body and mind to wind down and recognize that it’s time for sleep can be very helpful.

We are creatures of habit, but in this day and age we’re often all over the place in terms of what we’re doing when. It can take time to adjust to going to sleep around the same time every night, but starting our routine at the same time will help speed that up.

A few habits that helps to push us into the “rest and relax” (parasympathetic) branch of our nervous system include:

• stretching and/or foam rolling

• prayer/meditation

• deep breathing

• reading or listening to something uplifting/centering

“Stacking” some of these practices (like deep breathing while stretching while listening to something uplifting) can be beneficial as well.

Find what works for you.

Even just a few minutes of these practices can have a profound effect on helping the body and mind to wind down and get ready to sleep.

9. Manage Stress Throughout the Day

Stress management is one of the most powerful skills we can learn in the modern world.

Contrary to what most people think, stress accumulates from various aspects of our lives. Stress at work, stress from not sleeping enough, stress from sitting too much, stress from our relationships, stress from lack of good nutrition, stress from excess caffeine, stress from financial problems, etc., etc. all accumulate.

Excess stress is potentially the biggest detriment to our health, and contributes to sleep issues. The better we can mitigate stress throughout the day, the easier it will be to fall and stay asleep at night.

Simple habits like eating regularly to balance blood sugar, practicing mindfulness, consciously breathing through the nose, and breaking up long periods of sitting

** All of the habits in this blog will help to mitigate stress throughout the day.

10. Wake up at the same time everyday

There’s no doubt this is easier said than done, but the more we can keep our wake time consistent (even on the weekends) the easier it will be to fall and stay asleep. Obviously having a consistent bedtime is important as well but our wake up times are arguably more important from the standpoint of keeping our internal clocks dialed in.

This doesn’t mean we can’t sleep in a little on the weekends, but it’s best not to sleep more than an hour past our normal wake up time. From a sleep hygiene standpoint, we don’t want to put ourselves in a position where we need to be “catching up on sleep” over the weekend.

11. Prioritize actually having enough
time to sleep

While this may be obvious, it’s still worth the reminder. We can’t expect to wake up feeling rested and ready to go (among the plethora of other short, medium, and long-term benefits) if we aren’t actually giving ourselves enough time to sleep.

For most people (with very few exceptions) this means getting 7.5-9 hours of sleep each night.

In an article from VeryWellMind.com titled How Does Sleep Affect Mental Health, the author highlights that:

“Research suggests that the relationship between sleep and mental health is complex. While sleep has long been known to be a consequence of many psychiatric conditions, more recent views suggest that sleep can also play a causal role in both the development and maintenance of different mental health problems.

In other words, sleep problems can lead to changes in mental health, but mental health conditions can also worsen problems with sleep. Lack of sleep may trigger the onset of certain psychological conditions, although researchers are not completely certain of the underlying reasons for this.”

When it comes to our mental health, the importance of sleep cannot be overestimated.

Also important here is that we give ourselves enough time to actually wind down and fall asleep. You can likely relate to the feeling of knowing that if you don’t fall asleep right away you’re not going to get enough rest.

This is why an evening routine (along with simply getting into bed early enough) will greatly improve our chances of peacefully falling and staying asleep.

Sleep is a “Keystone Habit” in our Lives

There’s no substitute for getting good sleep consistently… the results are tangible in our lives.

Being well rested not only helps us enjoy the “good” things in our lives, but also makes it easier to deal with the challenges we face.

While the habits in this blog can certainly help you to fall asleep easier, stay asleep throughout the night, and wake up feeling more rested, they can also help you to feel better in general throughout the day.

Good sleep is largely the result of taking control of the way we live our lives on a day-to-day basis.

Which habit on the list jumps out most to you? Is there anything you would add to this list that has helped you to sleep better?

Black Swan Recovery

We are living through some challenging times - both professionally and personally.  Some say the mass hysteria caused by the global pandemic is the root cause.  Some say that this health crisis made clear for the first time in over a decade that our nation’s economy is not as strong as many believed.  Still others have found some comfort in various conspiracy theories that attempt to explain how all of this is happening.  But no matter what you believe – the reality is we are living through a Black Swan event. 

A Black Swan is an extremely rare event that is way beyond what is normally expected and brings with it powerful consequences and changes.  Even with the benefit of hindsight – most experts find it difficult to ever conclude that they could have predicted the event in advance no matter what tools, data, and philosophies they use.  Once the event has subsided – life and things don’t just go back to normal.  There are permanent changes. 

As I brainstormed and prepared to write this article – my initial goal was to share some thoughts about how this event could be impacting individuals/families in recovery – especially early recovery.  I intended to focus on everything that providers are doing in order to continue to support people and the community.  I had a list of the various technologies, apps, and websites that everyone is using or could be using.

But then a very different idea developed in my mind and spirit: Recovery is a Black Swan event.  A positive event for sure – but Black Swan in nature: Rare, Unexpected, Unpredictable, Difficult to Explain, and Life-Changing.  Every person who has initiated and sustained recovery experienced their own Black Swan.  In the 12-Step programs – it would be called a Spiritual Awakening.  Eastern philosophies may define the event as a personal re-connection with the natural, healthy self and the oneness of everything.  Some call it the gift of despair and surrender.  It’s a Black Swan.

Take, for example, a 23-year old young woman – ten hospitalizations, experienced homelessness, a college drop-out, living with her parents, father is unemployed, and everyone is struggling.  In this environment and with this history – how could her successful recovery be predicted?  How much hope could there be that she would experience a rare and powerful recovery?  How do we explain her decision to deliver sandwiches to others experiencing homelessness and addiction?  Today – she is approaching four years in recovery.  How do we explain this?  Hard work?  Yes.  Massive amounts of help and support?  You bet.  Predictable?  No.  Difficult to explain?  Yes.  Life-Changing?  For sure.  It’s a Black Swan. 

Consider, for a moment, a 72-year old woman sitting in an inpatient facility for the first time in her life while the outside world is experiencing this global crisis.  She is basically disconnected from her family right now – hopefully addressing the crisis in her own life.  In the spirit of complete transparency – this woman is a family-member of mine.  Will she experience her own Black Swan?  I have no idea.  The very nature of a Black Swan is that we have no idea.  She is aging.  Her mental health has been declining for years.  Her marriage is often toxic.  And she turns to alcohol to deal with her life issues.  How do we predict a successful recovery for her?  I’m not aware of many good metrics for this.  What I do know is that time is running out for her.  Her Black Swan needs to appear and it needs to be embraced.

As professionals in the treatment and recovery support field – it’s clear to me that we have a huge job right now.  If we believe in both versions of the Black Swan – the positive, individual version and the unfortunate, global-event version – then our job is to support the one within the challenging realities of the other.  As if our jobs weren’t hard enough already.

But let’s use whatever means available to encourage some positive, individual Black Swans.  One way or another – no matter how long it takes – these global challenges will be addressed and resolved.  Things are not likely to return to what we knew as normal.  Let’s do whatever we can to support the people under our care.  Let’s help support their Black Swan event when it arrives.  They will never be the same again.  And that would be a good thing.

A Porcupine’s Dilemma

Long ago, during the most brutal of winters, the animals of the forest struggled to survive. So harsh was the weather that each species was forced to huddle together for long hours to fend off the cold.  Rabbits, deer, squirrels all benefitted from the shared warmth. Even the more solitary creatures, foxes and owls, disregarded their predispositions in order to survive. The porcupines had a particular dilemma. As they huddled together in the burrow, their spines poked and scraped each other with every breath and jostle. None were spared irritation. Eventually, constant barbs felt unbearable, and they ventured out into the frigid winter. Scattered and alone, some froze. The remaining porcupines, in their wisdom, chose to return to the burrow. Their quills had not dulled, the wounds they inflicted were no less painful, yet they huddled together even closer than before.

In his “porcupine’s dilemma”, 19th century philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer chose porcupines as a metaphor to describe a predicament in human interpersonal dynamics. Schopenhauer concluded that despite goodwill, human interaction cannot occur without substantial mutual harm. His solution, true to his pessimistic reputation, was for individuals to maintain emotional distance. However, even he recognized that this emotional distance results in feelings of isolation, as our longing for intimacy is inadequately satisfied. The metaphor was later adopted by Sigmund Freud, who was so taken by it, he kept a small bronze porcupine figurine on his desk. In fact, when asked about his highly-anticipated trip to America, Freud said, “I am going to the USA to catch sight of a wild porcupine and give some lectures.” The good doctor utilized the metaphor to describe the contradictory drives for intimacy and autonomy in a variety of applications. The porcupine’s defense mechanism complicates intimacy. So, it is with humans. We carefully fashion an image, tailored by the fear that others may know our struggles. We brush back attempts at intimate conversation with deft deflection or terse retort. We avoid the unfamiliar entirely, perhaps doubting the versatility of those well-practiced defenses. These behavioral patterns may become so thoroughly habituated as to seem immutable. We even come to be defined by our defenses: Conversation remains shallow with the image-conscious; people tiptoe around the angry person; the loner stops receiving invitations…While defense mechanisms were meant to protect, and perhaps did at one time, they often result in feeling more isolated, fearful, and at odds with the world.

Unlike the porcupine’s quills, our behaviors are dynamic. We learn from our experience and develop new repertoires to adapt to changing environments. But in order to adapt, we must assess what has and hasn’t been working: 

• Being mindful of one’s behaviors is the necessary first step: Getting to know your quills, if you will. After noticing the automated reactions, one is free to experiment with new, purposeful behaviors. 

• What are you really protecting? Intense emotions may feel uncomfortable to those that are used to repressing or avoiding them. But emotions are merely experiences designed to inform us about our environment. They are tools, not fragile organs that need protecting. 

• Defense mechanisms are designed to prevent harm, not meaningful relationships. Notice who has been on the receiving end. Take a risk and let someone past those defenses. Those sharp bristles may be repelling the wrong people.

• Urges are merely suggestions, not commands. If you experience the impulse to withdraw from or repel an encounter, entertain alternative behaviors. Past behaviors need not determine present or future conduct. The truth is, our brains were designed for a time when interpersonal mistakes could be fatal. Being rejected from our tribe, or mistaking friend for foe were risks that carried the ultimate price. So, it is not surprising that we often overstate the impact of misplaced vulnerability. But as painful as emotional wounds can be, they are not fatal. And the reward for vulnerability is much more profound than physical warmth. Vulnerability enables growth, meaning, and connection. 

What Birds Know About Mutual Support

Every autumn we look up at the sky and see birds beginning their southern migration. Often, they are arranged in V-formation which, today, most of us know is for aerodynamic reasons. One bird, positioned behind and somewhat to the side of a bird in front, is the beneficiary of what scientists call “up-wash”. Up-wash is a flow of air, generated by the bird in front, which reduces the energy expended by the bird behind. The energy savings is typically between twenty and thirty percent. It’s effective and efficient.

Let’s go another step. While making their long-distance flight in V-formation, the birds will periodically swap positions. Those in front move toward the back and those birds in the back will move to the front. They all get a chance to provide as well as benefit from the efficiency of the V-formation. They all get a chance to follow and lead.

If you think about it – it’s a lot like what mutual support groups provide individuals in recovery. Recovery is a long journey. In a sense, we migrate from a life of addiction and suffering toward a life of recovery and health. It’s a journey we cannot accomplish alone. We need support. We need “up-wash”. We need opportunities to be helped and inspired by others. We need opportunities to be helpful and inspiring to others. Sometimes we need to just follow and sometimes we need to lead the way.

As professionals in the treatment and recovery support field, we strongly encourage individuals and families to include mutual support group involvement as a component of their recovery process. Today, as opposed to years ago, there are many options for people to consider. AA/NA and related 12-Step Programs, SMART Recovery, Refuge Recovery, Celebrate Recovery, Women for Sobriety, LifeRing, parent support groups, and others provide individuals and families with opportunities to be helped, supported, and inspired by others who are experiencing similar things. As stated above, these groups also provide opportunities for individuals to help, support, and inspire others. These groups provide “up-wash” – just like the birds – flying in V-formation.

- Peter Brizick

Feelings Are Not For The Dinner Table

I am writing this blog with the hopes of raising awareness about a special population that is not typically recognized by mental health professionals as being vulnerable. A population that is actually a minority that is in desperate need of specialized care and attention. Recent research has shown that there is a strong correlation betweeen high socioeconomic status and behavioral health issues. Affluent individuals are also higher risk for suicide then the average population.

Many mental health profesionals don’t understand the unique challenges associated with wealth and privilege. “He is a trust fund baby, how can he possibly have any problems?’ “Her problem is she is entitled”. Many professionals have a bias against high net worth individuals due to a lack of understanding or the misconception that access to resources decreases vunerabilty. In my graduate studies, there was extensive discussion about the importance of “cultural competency” and “special populations” yet the culture of affluence was not a topic that was discussed. As a native of the Main Line who attended private schools and graduated from a prestigious ivy league school, I am very familiar with the culture affluence and the immense pressure and expectations associated with being raised in this environment. The pressure and expectations caused me immense emotional distress percipitating self-destructive behaviors in my adolescent and young adult years. Perfectionism, grit, achievement, prestige, social status are the constructs of success in the affluent culture.

Happiness is not considered a prerequiste to success. Feelings are not appropriate for the dinner table. This culture promotes isolation, lonliness and despair which is reinforced by the age of technology. The stigma associated with admitting that one is struggling let alone asking for help perpetuates the problem. In the affluent culture asking for help is a considered a weakness and feelings are not part of the vocabulary. High net worth equates vulnerabilty and subseptibilty for exploitation reinforcing the stigma.

My firsthand experience growing up in this culture coupled by my professional expertise provides me with a unique perspective to help a special population that needs professionals who can speak their language and validate their perspective. If you are reading this blog and can relate, I hope that you will consider reaching out for help. Asking for help was the hardest yet the greatest achievement of my life.

Sarah Espenshade, LCSW, CEO/Founder

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

If you’re reading this blog, you’re probably well acquainted with the hopelessness of depression, the gripping fear of anxiety, the shame and guilt of addiction or trauma, or the heartbreaking helplessness of being witness to a loved one who is caught in one or more of these struggles.  You know suffering and pain.  You have direct experience with being stuck.  

You’ve probably tried everything you can think of to make things better, and if you’re like most of us, you’ve even continued to try many things after they have failed over and over again.  At times, in our desperation to feel better, we struggle against this suffering and pain to find that it’s so much like quicksand.  The more we struggle, the deeper and faster we sink.  The harder we try, the worse it gets.

We have a natural tendency to expect that the process of recovery will make us feel better.
That’s the point, right?  We’re working hard in our therapy, possibly attending various support groups or meetings, endlessly talking about our problems, and to what end? How can we tell if all these efforts are working?  We should be feeling better, shouldn’t we?

An alternative perspective on this is that through recovery we may be getting better at feeling, but not necessarily “feeling better.”  At least not right away.

There’s a natural tendency for us to want to make a quantum leap once we become ready to make the important changes in our lives.  We may have begun to resolve our ambivalence about taking action towards feeling better and it would be nice if someone would just tell us what to do. How do we get out of this quicksand?

One approach is to let go of the struggle - to slow down, take a breath, step back from our thoughts and feelings, and notice them for what they are.  Not what they say they are. And, to notice what our thoughts and feelings are trying to get us to do.  This is the practice of getting better at feeling.

Our minds produce thoughts and feelings that tend to be desperately focused on avoiding pain and discomfort.  Just as the fear of drowning in quicksand would cause us to struggle and sink faster, our minds are working hard to find relief from our pain in a way that just tends to increase it.

What if, instead, we made some room for this discomfort? Became willing to have it.  Allowed what’s already there to be there.  Began to view this pain as a natural and valuable part of our human experience that is evidence or testimony to what we deeply care about.  Family, feeling a sense of belonging, loving others and feeling loved, protecting people that matter to us, in our own small way making the world a better place.  We can’t live a life that reflects these values without also feeling the stinging pain of loneliness, disconnection, and disappointment.  To be fully alive is to feel this sort of pain, and maybe even to honor it.

When we make room for this type of pain, we can often transform it into something that signifies to us that we’re fully engaged in deliberately living a life guided by our values.  Our desire to feel good can give way to a different type of positive experience which is much harder to put into words.  This is an experience of being the people we want to be in the face of pain.  Being people with courage who are less focused on reducing or eliminating pain, than we are focused on being who we want to be in the world and perhaps taking our pain along for the ride. 

Consider the Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And, the wisdom to know the difference.

We may not be able to change what it is to have the thoughts and feelings that make us human, and to care so much about who and what we value, but we can ask for the serenity to accept those things.  

We can also acknowledge, in a self-compassionate and non-judgmental way for the courage required to live life on life’s terms, and to take responsibility to change what is within our control -primarily ourselves.

And finally, to be a person that can on occasion be wise enough to recognize that we can’t control our thoughts and feelings, but we can control our choices and our actions in order to create the conditions for a transcendent experience that is far greater and more rewarding than the absence of pain, or merely just feeling good.

- John Armando
 

The Day That Turns Your Life Around

An amazing coach and mentor of mine shared with me his story – beginning with the day that turned his life around.  His experience was so meaningful and powerful that his life was never the same.  He went on to live a dynamic, healthy, and successful life.  His work impacted so many.  And he became, in my opinion, a wise old man.  As I write this, I am approaching my 44th birthday.  I should be grown up by now but I am not.  However, whenever I do grow UP – my hope is that I will have grown IN to the example he set.

At the end of my struggle – I was in very bad shape – physically, psychologically, and emotionally.  Here’s how bad:  I was experiencing hallucinations, seizures, and I was in real danger of having a heart-attack.  Oddly enough – what made the situation MOST painful was that my condition rendered me incapable of doing things which I value deeply: Reading, Writing, Speaking – and how these three things, for me, fuel each-other and make me feel like a dynamic and whole human-being.  I could not hold a pen, hold a book, or speak a meaningful sentence.  If there is a “hell” for me to arrive at – that was it.  I’ve been there.  And my condition lasted for several days.

Then magic happened – and magic doesn’t happen every day.  If magic happened every day – we probably wouldn’t call it magic.  It would just be another day.  After several days in serious danger – I awoke from my “hell”.  I was able to hold a pen and write again.  I was able to hold a book, read, and have the words make sense.  And I was able to speak again.  I was able to begin experiencing again the wholesome, enlightened, and dynamic feelings that these things bring to my life.  This is the day that turned my life around.  I had never been so grateful in my life.  I’m not sure I’ve been as grateful for anything since that day.

I shared this story with the coach/mentor I mentioned above when I was still in the early stages of recovering.  He said to me simply, “Peter….I’ve only known you for a short period but I am convinced that for things to change for you - - you’ve got to change.  If you want more than you’ve currently got – you have to BECOME more than you currently are.  And unless you become more than you are - - you’ll always have what you’ve currently got.”  Simple words from a wise old man.

You never know when or how the day that turns your life around will arrive.  The mystery of what coaxes the day’s arrival into your life is simply that: a mystery.  It could be an experience, a song, the lyrics, confrontation with an enemy, a conversation with a friend who levels with you and your life is never the same.

What is NOT a mystery is this: it’s possible to have a day that turns your life around.  Wherever you are and no matter your struggle – if you are open and become truly grateful – you too can have a day that turns your life around.  I hope you have one – you’ll never be the same.

- Peter Brizick
 

Addiction is a Family Disease and Recovery is a Family Process

In the midst of an opiate epidemic, I feel a sincere obligation as a leader in the field to offer solutions that might improve outcomes and save lives.  Addiction is a very complex illness and there is no simple solution. As a parent myself, I am even more inspired to offer solutions that will prevent tragedy. The traditional unilateral models of treatment are no longer the solution to this deadly illness and are failing us time and time again.  Addiction is a multisystematic problem requiring a multisystematic solution.  There is no magic wand or quick fix.  We recognize that addiction is a family disease but treatment is focused on the individual engaging in addictive behaviors.  This phenomena creates an unrealistic expectation that if the individual goes to treatment that the family members will feel better. Subsequent to admitting a loved one into treatment,  countless family members have said to me "I thought I would feel better after, he/she was admitted into treatment, but I don't feel better..why don't I feel better?"  I typically respond with a lot of empathy and compassion followed by a dose of reality. "Unfortunately, as result of having a loved one with a substance abuse disorder you have experienced a significant trauma and trauma causes feelings of immense anxiety and agitation.  Your amgydala is in a state of hyperarousal causing reactivity and irrational thinking"...."In order to feel better you need to be engaged in treatment yourself to process these emotions, you also have a recovery process".    I also tell them that engaging in treatment themselves will increase the likelihood of their loved one recovering significantly.  A family cannot be healthy unless all the members of the family are healthy.  If an individual completes treatment and returns to the same family dynamic the odds of maintaining sobriety  are very much against them.  Addiction is a family disease and recovery is a family process.  The outcomes we see when families are engaged in treatment are drastically better.  Recovery is a parallel process but not a linear process and relapse is often part of this process. When families are engaged in treatment they learn to recognize warning signs, establish boundaries and set limits increasing the likelihood of re-engaging the loved one in treatment and decreasing the likelihood of tragedy.  Treating the whole family is essential to improving outcomes and saving lives.  As a parent, I can only imagine the horror of having a child struggling with addiction and although this isn't my current reality, it very well could be one day and I fully recognize the impact that this would have on my family.  Addiction destroys families and recovery restores them.

- Sarah Espenshade  

Stomach Aches and Monsters In the Closet

If I had a dollar for every time my daughter had a stomach ache before school…..Well, I’m not sure I would actually be able to afford much of anything in today’s economy but you get the gist.

I have a 7 year old, she is amazing and wonderful with this remarkable gift of making me nuts.  While my work within the last few years was primarily adults, my passion, my home base was/is working with kids.  I have been interacting with children be it in an academic setting or therapeutic setting for over 20 years. Professionally, I know kids.  I have only been a mother for 7 years, well 7 years and 8 months if you ask my daughter.

The end of last school year my daughter was waking up with stomach aches, Monday through Friday mornings.  I was working full time, up at 6 out the door by 7:30.  “Go..go…go” was our morning mantra. I would usually pick her up around 6pm praying the after school program had assisted in her homework to alleviate the evening tantrum and tears with respect to “ this is sooooo hard I can't do it”.   Imagine my sadness (actually embarrassment) in finding out that in fact she couldn’t do the homework, because she couldn’t read. Here I was a master’s level, licensed clinician specializing in working with kids, having missed this. I was a failure as a mother, I was questioning my skills as a therapist.  My kid was struggling, her stomach aches were the body’s way of telling her, telling me, she was worrying. Every day she was worrying about having to walk into school and feel like she ‘wasn’t smart enough’. And I missed it.

Many steps later, she is now in an appropriate educational setting with an IEP and an amazing art therapist.   I have adjusted life so that I am more present for her. I let go of the guilt of what I missed and focus now on being present for what is.   We talk about her stomach aches, because while she still gets them, they are not nearly to the extent of last year. We talk about when her heart is sad or if her mind is worrying it may result in her stomach hurting.  We talk about the fact that it is okay to be sad, to have worry. Sometimes life is scary, or sad or frustrating. We are allowed to have feelings. I remind her of how smart she is, that she learns differently than other kids.  And I remind myself that when they discharged us from the hospital there was no training manual for how to raise a kid. I also remind myself that the hundreds of text books I read don’t measure up to the wonder and uniqueness of my little one.  And I remind myself when she wakes me at 3:00 in the morning and tells me there are monsters, that she is afraid of the dark. I remind myself that sometimes the best intervention is a string of lights in her window. I am going to have to slow down and ask what is going on, but sometimes I am simply going to have to check the closet and plug in the lights.